Dear Diary...Me Time

.....is one of those days when I just needed some time for myself.

I used to feel so guilty for taking time for me. I did. I had to face facts: I'm a people-pleaser. I am - have been for years - It's a sickness. I think it stems from something influential that went on during childhood. Nevertheless, I have always felt obligated to make everyone else happy yet neglecting my own needs and desires in the process. Thus,I felt guilty for admitting that I had needs and wants. So Here we are today, home sick from work because I push myself too hard and end up doing EVERYTHING for everyone else and then have no energy to get my ass to work (which provides the means to take care of ME *because no-one else does*).

I'm learning how to prioritize, slowly but surely, with a lot of self-examination and *"practice selfishness exercises*, I'm learning.

So, today is for me. Rest, Relax, Rejuvenate, and take plenty of Benedryl for these horrible seasonal allergies.

Dear Diary, I love you.

(...now its naptime)

Ciao, Aye

Dear Diary...Kaput. I see it. Why don't you?

WARNING: I am annoyed/hurt/confused/angry/etc etc etc....

Why? Long story.

Short version - A Man. :(

Too short, you say? Ok, Longer version...

A Man I once loved very much continues to contact me even though "it" is over.
Done. Kaput. Finito.
WE called it quits.
Well, I called it quits - for very good reasons mind you, but WE Mutually agreed that there is no future between us. So in my mind, we ended it. Agreed upon. Done.
Now, admittedly, I opened a can of worms by wishing him a happy birthday. My bad. I guess I shouldn't wish happiness to ex's I suppose. Even text-style well wishes is a BAD thing. Apparently it sends the wrong message.

But QUESTION: In what language does "Happy Birthday" translate to "I want to get back with you".... I wonder???  

ANSWER: NONE. Happy Birthday means "I hope you have a happy birthday today". Period. It means exactly that. Nothing more. 

I wish him well. 

I'm a nice person - sue me.  

But.. "we MOOOOVE ON, because that's what people do....." (*ok, the Breaking Bad reference is lost on you. I get it* - but it was funny at the time. Season 2, episode...... shit, I don't know what episode. sorry, it was the plane crash pep talk at the high school...hell just Google it, ok) 

But, I digress.
Anyway, he continues reaching out to me, calling to say .... well, nothing much. Just calls to hear me breathe I guess.  Eating up my cell minutes for no daggoned reason. Its less annoying than just plain hurtful & confusing to me - as well as opening healing wounds and making them ache again. Like picking a scab knowing that you're creating a tender spot that will scar but just can't stop yourself.
Change your number, you say.
Well I don't want to change my number though - I've had it too long and, honestly, I shouldn't have to change it. He should stop picking at me and leave me in peace.  I promise to ignore all other birthdays if he'll just lose my number. Fair enough?
Is that so hard? There are SOO many other women out there just dying to be with an awesome-in-the-sack, non-commital just like him. So why miss me so much? I'm confused because I don't fit his ideal woman profile anyway - which is primarily why I called it quits in the first place. Why aren't I, you ask? Because I'm MONOGOMOUS. Ain't it a sin? We had a problem because I won't let other people in the bedroom with us. I'm so unrelenting and selfish to keep saying NO, I ONLY want YOU. That's a problem for him. Weird huh?
In fairness, I did ask him all that during a particularly uncomfortable few minutes of silence that we're both paying per minute for - but, not surprisingly I didn't get a response.
Just Silence.. and a sigh.
Don't look at me like that, I DID ask.
I do know why the deafening silence though (which happened because I refuse to provide answers to questions aren't mine to answer - My question simply strikes too deeply into his incredibly selfish nature - and would call for serious self-examination that he is unwilling to put himself through just to get some guaranteed ass on a forever basis. Now before you shoot me with arrows, thats not me resorting to name-calling.... he told me that himself. So I'm just saying what he said.

Of course, there's some deep issues in this story that I am unwilling to divulge here on a public blog - but trust, there are.  We both have them. However, I'm willing to discuss & work through them - he wasn't. Which contributed to the problem as well.

But I'm tired. We've done this emotional merry-go-round too many times. He made his bed but apparently doesn't want to sleep in it. Too crowded with all the wrong people, I think.
My bed however, is very comfy and has all the people I want in it. One. Me. (well, me and my teddy b'cause we coo like that)
My advice: MOVE ON Brotha, move on b'cause I have and really would like to put a period to this madness once and for all. Truly.

~Aye, out


Note: I"m not annoyed/hurt/confused/angry/etc etc etc...anymore.
Blogging in my diary is Good :D

.

Dear Diary... Tired

.... yes, I titled this one "tired" because that is what I am tonight. Truthfully, I am so tired that my brain wants to stop working, stop thinking, stop analyzing.. I think school is getting to me. But I can't tire out, not yet. Yes, I am in the final year of my BS program, but I also have an MBA to obtain as well. Can't get tired yet - I have 2 more years to complete. But for now, this sista is worn out. Worn out, I tell you. Exhausted....perhaps my brain will be better after 8 hours of rest. I do hope so - I have class tomorrow.

Can't go to sleep yet. I promised myself that I would start my journal again and I must keep my word to myself and write something here, regardless of how trivial it seems, I must continue to write something in my journal. So.... here it is.....

SOMETHING.

*goodnight*

~Aye, out

Dear Diary ... Hi, My name is

...Tina, and I'm a gaming addict. My current addiction is the Nintendo Wii.

I'm scurred

***tongue in cheek***

Over the years of being a stay-at-home-totally-immersed-into-my children Mom, I have accumulated game consoles including Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Sega, Playstation2, Playstation3 and Wii - all still working and games stuffed into boxes, cabinets and stacked in the garage. The only one I didn't get but still want is the original Atari Game system. I have however, found myself involved in bidding wars on Ebay to acquire one, but that's another blog for another day :D

I realize that I'm jumping on this Wii train rather late (it seems) but not really. I've had a Wii in my home since it was originally released late 2006. Everyone was sooooo excited about it and got all immersed into playing and whatnot. I was not interested.."games are for kids, I'm good thanks." Yeah, that was me a few years ago -prior to Myspace's MOBSTERS game app. 2 years later, I'm addicted to computer/internet/console games in nearly any format.

Through Myspace, Facebook, Yahoo! and my daughters, I have been exposed to far too many games to become addicted to:
Mafia Wars, check.
Mobsters, check.
Cafe World, check.
Yahoo! Games...
" dominoes
" spades
" Literati
" Hearts, check. check. check.
God of War, check.
Shadow of the Colossus, check.
Mario Brothers, check.
Guitar Hero, check.
DJ Hero, check.
Tony Hawk, check.
Monopoly, check.
Spider Solitaire, check.
Wii Bowling, check.
" Golf, check.
" Fishing, check.
" Cow Racing, check.
CHECK.
CHECK.
CHECK.
CHECK.
Waiting breathlessly for God of War 3 and worse yet... I'm totally fighting the urge to get into Halo and World of Warcraft. If not for friends who've beaten those addictions and run interference, I'd be sitting here with my headset on shouting orders to my teams right now.

You get the picture.

I'm scurred. Ray of light however is the fact that even though I'm addicted, I'm also a cheapskate and just not willing to connect my Visa to pay monthly membership fees just to play a game. Nor am I a gmabler. If so, I'd be in rehab by now. So thank goodness for free online games.

I'm still scurred.

*tongue still firmly in cheek*
Relax folks, I'm kidding.

~Aye, out

Dear Diary... Rant

Last evening, I was asked what I do for a living. It was a general but direct question during a meet & greet conversation. I'm a nice & cordial person, so I responded to it. My response was honest, open and truthful --- "I am an Independent Rep with Financial Destination, Inc.... I am a professional Network Marketer".

Before my sentence was half-finished, he moved on to the next person...I was summarily dismissed. Rudely.

I was also offended. And insulted. And annoyed. And consequently, after giving time for the insult, annoyance and offense to marinate - angry.

This morning, the insult was still on my mind. BUT....This is America, we each have the right to do as we choose.

I have my right to make an honest living in any way I choose - he has the right to make a living his way.

He has the right to dismiss my job as unimportant. I have a right to be annoyed with his attitude.

I have the right to slap the taste out of his mouth. He has the right to sue me for assault. This is America.

No, I didn't slap him. No he doesn't need to sue me.

This IS America - I also have the right to work when I choose to, earn money from my down-line even when I do nothing at all. I have earned that right.

He has the (obligation) to go to work all day, every day, even when he doesn't want to - because his boss tells him he must.
I have the (freedom) to sleep late, any day, whenever I want to. I don't have a boss.

He's 45 and has to wait to until he is released from work (or his 401K allows him) to retire.
I'm 46 and I AM (because I have a profitable down-line) retired.

Dear Diary, I'm not angry/annoyed/offended - I'm LMAO.

~Aye, out

Dear Diary ... Better :)

I feel so much better today than I have felt in a very long time :) My smile is returning.

I have begun the process of purging my life of some (people) who I knew deep down weren't very good for my psyche. I feel good... actually I feel better, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I hadn't realized how much of the anxiety was coming from a single source - and such an unlikely source too. I would be really stumped by this realization if I weren't so relieved from the purging process.

What I have learned:
Say what you're thinking at the time you're thinking it - don't hold back to be nice or assuage hurt feelings. Don't wait for a better moment. Don't hesitate to make your needs known.
Just do it.

~Aye, out [singing]

Bob Marley - I Can See Clearly Now

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day

Oh yes I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day

Look all around, there's nothin' but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day

Dear Diary...I am at a complete loss..

I need to write but each and every time I sit down to do so, I draw a blank. Like now. WTF???? Sometimes I feel as if I have nothing to say... but other times, I can't get my thoughts to slow down long enough to start writing. So today, I decided to quit procrastinating and just START typing whatever comes to mind. Crazy I know, but it's therapeutic.. and LORD KNOWS, therapy probably couldn't hurt - so here it is. My Diary is my therapy.

Don't like it? Don't have to read it.

I know that sounds angry and a bit standoff'ish but its how I feel. I've been repressed for far too long anyway. Emotions and feelings are meant to be felt, not bottled up inside. I have done that for too many years. Probably why I have issues.

Damn. I'm screwed up. Not good. :(

Anyway.... I'm hungry. I want spaghetti. [heading to the kitchen] In the meantime, here's my horoscope, maybe someone else can make sense of this and how it applies to my life because in my present state of mind, I damn sure can't.

~Aye

VIRGO Daily Horoscope

You're bursting with great energy today, and you may feel a compulsion to act altruistically. If you do, expect some sweet responses from your noble actions, and the urge to build further bridges.

Today you might want to slide on over to the slow lane -- after all, you've been racing faster than the speed limit for far too long. Tons of interesting stuff is going on now, and if you don't ease up on the gas pedal, you may miss out. Sure, it's nice to have a lot going on in your life, but sometimes it's just as nice to step on the brakes and take a more leisurely route to where you are going. The landscape is lovely in your life right now -- why not take a longer look?

Stay tuned....I'll be back....

Entry - Communication between INDIVIDUALS is Dead

Food for Thought:

What happened to one on one communication? Letter writing, Personal email interaction between individuals, a simple phone call to say "hello, I was thinking about you".....



Social networking has killed it. Text messaging, Instant Messaging, Status updates, Twitter etc.

I feel as if I've lost the ability to connect on a human level. This is bad. I used to enjoy writing letters.


I miss the days of true old skool conversation. I think I'll go back to doing that.
~Aye

Entry - I'll Cry Later ~ A poem I wrote long ago

My sista is leaving me today. This morning to be exact
she's leaving
she's moving far away from me
It hurts but I can't say so
Why?
because she's happy, she's in love

My sista is leaving me today. This morning to be exact
she's leaving
going an airfare away, not too far
but far enough
It hurts but I can't say so
Why?
because he loves her too, he needs her now

My sista is leaving me today, this morning to be exact
she's leaving today - he's coming to take her away
going far away
It hurts but I can't say so
Why?
because I can't send her on her way with sadness
with tears, with sorrow.

She'll miss me, I know she will
but not today, not tomorrow
she needs her smiles today, for him
He thrives on her beautiful smiles
She'll miss me, I know she will

My sista is leaving me today, this morning to be exact
she's leaving
she's moving far away from me
It hurts but I can't say so
Why?
because she's getting a love that a sister cannot give
She's getting a lifetime of happiness
A lifetime of support - A lifetime of love, affection, trust & respect.....
The way God intended it to be

My sista is leaving me today, going far away
not too far - only an airfare away
She's leaving, he's taking her today
I won't cry
Why?
because he loves her so, with all his heart and soul
She doesn't need me anymore
She's in good hands, well cared for and loved

My sista is leaving me today
he took my sista away from me
But I rejoice in my new-found Brother
whom I love and Deeply Respect
He came today and took her away
....and I'm happy.

God bless them, keep them safe
Multiply their love and keep them close to you - Amen

My sista left me today.
I'll cry later.
Today I will smile for her.

6/25/04tb

Entry - Feb 1 aka the first day of the rest of my life....

Today has been busy with homework. Mine, Ashley's, Nicole's and Brianna's all of us are Phoenix's *hehe* we're a family of college students, how 'bout them apples

Right now I'd love to sit here and blog the thoughts rumbling around in my head.... however...I'm still editing corrections on this weeks' homework. *uuugh*

{be back later}
~Aye

Journal Entry

Today will begin my Journal/Diary. I know that using a blog as a diary can be risky and perhaps I am a little crazy but this is Me and this is how I roll - get over it.

I woke up at 5:10 am. I hate when that happens. Lately it's been happening damn near every morning... somewhere between 4:15am and 5:45am - My mind turns on and thoughts flood my consciousness and I can't go back to sleep again. Today I fought it for an hour and finally said "fukk it Tina, just get up." It seems that every morning lately, something disturbs my sleep and I suddenly wake up...usually in the middle of an interesting dream. This mornings episode included Shia LeBouf and a make out session on a very comfy sofa. Hey, hey don't laugh, he hit on me first *grin*

I'm pissed now though, my shoulder has been aching since late yesterday, I have homework to finish, I'm broke, and in general just not in the best of spirits. I feel stressed - just don't know why....I need someone to care enough to make me smile for a change (note to self: Don't hold your breath on that one tho, you already know the drill) but....

Keep hoping...
I'm tired
and lonely..

~Aye, out